


"It kinda looks like a..."

by yikesola



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2020, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22975951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/pseuds/yikesola
Summary: “Dan,” he hears Phil calling from the lounge. He sounds like he’s hardly holding in laughter. “Come look at this.” Phil is holding the square vase in his hand, half filled with water that he’s been pouring into their accidental jungle of houseplants.A fic about penises and plants.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 32
Kudos: 125





	"It kinda looks like a..."

Dan is feeling sluggish enough this morning, after what now feels like an unnecessarily early run and a shower that got cold halfway through, that he’s stirring his coffee mechanically. He’s fond of these things that have been consistent for years. So few things are. Everything changes all the time. But a little thing like this, it’s a nice comfort on sluggish mornings. Splash of milk for him. Bigger splash for Phil, and two sugars. Stir, stir, stir… 

“Dan,” he hears Phil calling from the lounge. He sounds like he’s hardly holding in laughter. “Come look at this.” 

He leaves the coffees in the kitchen and goes where he’s beckoned. Phil is holding the square vase in his hand, half filled with water that he’s been pouring into their accidental jungle of houseplants. 

Entirely accidental. 

They never meant to have this many, then the jokes about needing a support group stopped feeling like they were entirely facetious. Dan keeps telling Phil he ought to jump on the trend of houseplant tours for a video. Phil says it’s on the list, even though that has no guarantee of _when_ it’ll actually be made. Good thing Phil has never felt the pressure to make a video while the topic is still flooding the trending page. 

Dan runs a hand through his frizzed out curls. “Wot?” he asks Phil. 

They’re stood next to one of the larger houseplants, and one of the older ones Dan thinks. All Phil does is point, his lips twisted into a crooked attempt to keep his laughter swallowed down. 

Dan looks. 

Among the different dark green leaves and bright green shoots, near the base and looking conspicuous as hell, is a new… something? Growth? Flower? Despite the accidental jungle, Dan doesn’t actually know enough about plants to be entirely sure. It’s surprising that it seems to have appeared out of nowhere. It’s even more surprising that it kinda looks like a… well, it certainly resembles a… 

“Penis,” Phil chokes out, his attempts to keep from laughing entirely failed. 

Dan tries to roll his eyes. It’s not very effective as he’s laughing as well, but it helps that he crosses his arms. “How’d a penis get in our plant, babe?” 

“No idea!” Phil laughs again and shakes his head. “Has this been a penis plant the whole time and we didn’t know it?”

“Well we must’ve done _something_ to make it happy,” Dan grins, “We’ve had this plant for ages and never gotten a penis out of it before.” 

“What could we have possibly done to make a plant that happy?” 

“You been doing sexy dances around the flat while wearing nothing but leaves?” 

“Would a plant even find that sexy?” Phil’s brow furrows. “That’s like if I tried to turn you on by wearing nothing but severed arms.” 

“Please don’t,” Dan laughs. He crouches down near the plant to get a closer look at the new addition. His knees pop on the way down, something they didn’t do a few years ago. He reaches for the leaf surrounding the phallic bit. “Seems healthy,” he says, rubbing it between two fingers. 

“Girthy?” Phil giggles. 

He turns to look at Phil. “When did we get this plant?” 

Phil shrugs. “Like three years maybe? Around the time we moved.” 

“Well, we must be doing something right.” He stands and his ankles are what pop this time. All that fucking running. Isn’t it supposed to make his body healthier, not tear it apart? “It might be like when we thought Norman was dying because he changed colours, but he was just y’know, happy and healthy.” 

That was a nervewracking realisation. The only other fish Phil had seen turn colours was Frank the goldfish, years and years ago, who turned black before promptly dying. And all the quick research Dan had dived into before they actually picked up Norman hadn’t mentioned a colour change. He thinks that should’ve been something they heard about too often, not have to go searching for. 

“So we’re good plant dads?” Phill asks. He’s got a soft smile on his face.

“What?” Dan teases, “having a hard time believing it when you have so much past plant blood on your hands?” 

“ _Hard_ time,” Phil raises his eyebrows. Then he seems to think a moment. “Do plants even have blood?” 

Dan rolls his eyes again, less sincerely this time. He doesn’t know the answer for sure, even though he’s leaning towards no, but he’s not going to admit it unless Phil calls him out on it. Instead, he nods, “We’re good plant dads, yeah.” He reaches to run a hand through Phil’s morning, not-yet-product-covered quiff. “We’re good plant dads and good fish dads and we’ll probably be good… other dads.” 

“Dog dads?” Phil says. He says it easily, breezily. Expectedly. Dan nods because Phil isn’t exactly wrong, he does want a dog at some point. They _will_ get a dog… someday. Maybe a cat if they find one that doesn’t make Phil actually die. 

But they both know that’s not what Dan was hinting at. The thing is, hinting is as far as either of them have gone, and now’s not the right time, and they have forever. So dog dads is an appropriate interpretation. 

“You’re a good nurturing homemaker, Philly,” Dan says, a little too sweetly, a little thickly poured on syrup. An old defence mechanism. A surefire way to tell he means it. “You take such good care of the plants, so nurturing.” He leans forward and plants a kiss on Phil’s cheek. He plants another lower, on his mole. He moves even lower, kisses right at the cut of his chin. “Look at this happy home we’ve built.” 

“Stop,” Phil laughs as he steps back. His face is bright red, “stop being so sappy. Let’s go back to making penis jokes, _please_!” 

Dan wraps an arm around him and pulls him close. “Is that a penis in our houseplant, or are you just happy to see me?” he asks before Phil pushes him away.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading— come say hi on [tumblr](http://yikesola.tumblr.com/post/186977695294/hold-still-redux) !


End file.
